her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
