I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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