i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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