pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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