i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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