I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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