I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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