I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
