Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
