Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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