I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
