Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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