I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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