no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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