Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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