A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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