i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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