Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
