I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
