i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
