Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We left the knife in your bed.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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