How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
