i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
