Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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