We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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