its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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