sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
as a side note pls kill me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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