ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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