Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We need to get me chipped asap
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
