Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
