Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
