I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
