Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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