Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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