worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
