I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
