You're my little dorito
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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