just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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