she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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