My nipple is on Facebook.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
