I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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