I wish I could teleport
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
