There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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