somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
