Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize