forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
