I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
