forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
