I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
