The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
