I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
