I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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