Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Non-Jews are for practice
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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