i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
