I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
